Sex and the 21st century Indian woman

This article by me appeared about four years back on another website. I am putting it here now.

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I had envisioned this article as a collection of thoughts and sentiments gathered during surveys conducted on women from various parts of this country, about sex; the role it plays in their everyday life. Well, I wish to travel (extensively) throughout the country; but that’s another story, and it would take a long, long time. Also, I concluded that in the end I am going to write, just what I feel, irrespective of what those (hundreds of) women say anyways. So, though someday I do plan to conduct that survey, for now, jotting down what’s on my mind about sex and how it connects to a woman’s empowerment as it stands today with the 21st century woman would have to suffice; the understanding of it, the applicability of it, well, pretty much everything about it. Maybe I could then collect the comments that I might receive on this article, and I heartily invite those, from women, though they are welcome from the men folk too.

Some years back, someone had asked me to comment on the whole casting couch scenario. My reply (said in mirth, but maybe I meant it at some level) was that well, one gets sex, and one gets work, it’s a win-win. So there, that about, I think, sums up my views on sex. That’s one 21st century woman out of the way.

Have you ever talked to your mothers about sex? I haven’t; my mother never lets me. For my mother, it was always, and still is, ‘gandi baat’. One must never talk about it, or think about it even. Know this, the ultimate and the only truth about sex, as per my mother; it is disgusting, it is bad and it is something only men want and yearn for; so open your legs, very reluctantly, but just for your legally wedded husband, only because he needs it to become a good husband, a good father, a good provider. Now I am talking about women of the 60-70 yrs age-group. And not women who are well-read and have had good jobs and all; these women are a small, very small, fraction of the total Indian woman population. Indian women still see sex as something only men enjoy and want and never allow their bodies to truly celebrate the experience, the liberation, the relief that it can provide, to them too.

It is clearly evident in their approach to sex. Even the “modern” city-bred women. I’ll give you an example. When just out of a relationship, it is not uncommon for a man to go out and have sex or a short fling with someone and get over it. It is uncommon for a woman to do so. A woman will keep holding on to it, not letting go of the relationship that is not there anymore, letting it fester and rot her internally. Why? Because she can’t even imagine indulging in casual sex; the one thing that will definitely cure her of the heartache, in most cases; if not most then in many, definitely. One of the healthiest things to do, for the body and the mind, and she wouldn’t do it because she has grown up thinking that casual sex is only for boys and dirty, character-less women. Tell me something, have you ever got your tongue burned when you put something really spicy in your mouth? What do you do? You drink water, or put something sweet on your tongue, or bite into a sandwich, take a spoonful of dahi, anything. It’s rare that you’d just keep sitting, doing nothing about it and letting your tongue burn. Yep, it is that simple. It’s the logical and practical thing to do, for most, for many, if only they allow themselves the pleasure. Of course I am not saying that go out and have sex, it is the solution to all your problems. All I am saying is that when the opportunity of some good sex, with a reasonably nice person comes along, don’t shut it off just ‘cos you think that it’s not the right or the done thing to do. And don’t think or worry about the future either. (Casual) sex, like a movie, or a good exercise session is a temporary relief; leave it at that. Get maximum benefits, come out of it satiated and say your goodbyes. If something comes out of it, well and good, if not, then carry on living. But do think about the consequences and use protection, of course. Also, think about the emotional consequences and prepare for that, if you are not too strong in that arena. Learn to not hold on to things (not worth holding on to) just so you could feel a bit better about life.

Wake up girls, and smell the chai. Good sex is one of the key ingredients of a healthy mind, body, and soul. And there is nothing wrong in indulging in it every once-in-a-while, nothing at all. Allowing yourselves some physical pleasure DOES NOT mean that you are giving in, and the guy is gaining something, or profiting something out of you. It’s a two-way street. You too can enjoy it just as much, if you go in for the right reasons, and come out the other side with all the sense of satisfaction and “nailing it” as the guy does. Of course if you do it because you think it will “please” the other party or maybe as a tool to somehow increase or deepen the emotional connection it’s bound to lead to complications. Go in, but just for the pleasure of it. Just that attitude might bring you closer, to the right person. Your vaginas are not treasures that every (other) guy wants to rob you off. It’s an organ of your body, which has a function like any other organ, and also pleasure points. Pleasure points for you enjoy, not anyone else. Men have their own organs with pleasure points, out of which they can get maximum benefit only if you help them to it. Like I said before, it’s a two-way street. Start reading up on it, start talking about it with your friends, make new friends. It’s a very natural thing and if taken in moderation and done well, it can do wonders for you, your personality, and your life.

I have met many girls, who admit they enjoy sex immensely but are just not able to do it with someone they do not have an emotional connect with. For these girls, I have just one thing to say. Prioritize; what is it that you are looking for. A life partner, their soul-mate? Well then, quit complaining and keep waiting. If not, if you have a life that is important to you and that is keeping you happily busy then be a little bolder. And if that cute guy you met last Friday at that get-together, or at a friend’s house seems like a nice guy and makes your heart flutter, then go for it. Take tiny steps, don’t do it if you don’t want to, of course, don’t even think about it. Just that, don’t start with an agenda, and be open when/if he calls. Or take control and call him; meet for a coffee or a movie. Be comfortable, be who you are. But don’t be closed and shun physical contact due to some stone-age, illogical ideas about shame and guilt, and sex. They do not go together.

Girls, Go Get A Pair

This article by me appeared about four years back on another website. I am putting it here now.

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I remember this one time when I was in my early twenties and I was walking by the side of a road with my mom. A guy approached us, approached me rather, and asked for the time; I had a watch strapped to my wrist. And as I was looking at my watch to tell him the time my mom just pushed me forward, fastening the pace, urging me to just keep walking, quickly. And I was like, mom, what’s wrong with you. But she just kept pushing me forward saying you don’t know, you don’t know.

That’s how most of us girls are brought up here in India; be scared, run away. Even if it’s just a sad looking guy asking for the time. That was hilarious actually; I still laugh about it, teasing my mom. And that is one huge reason why a lot of crime against women happens today; women just don’t stand up against it, women take shit; it’s become a part of life, it is accepted, is acceptable. If it wasn’t accepted, it would not have happened at the scale at which it is happening currently. At the cost of it sounding like a filmy dialog, I would like to say this. You run away from a barking dog, he will come after you and maybe even bite. But if you firmly stand your ground and bark back loudly, the dog will leave you alone. It’s a trick a cousin of mine taught me when we were young, and it worked, though he had demonstrated it only with reference to dogs. He jumped high up in the air and stomped the ground hard coming down, roaring loudly going on his haunches. The dog sprang back and scooted off. I would like to caution you though not to try it on just any dog, some may just jump and tear you to pieces. If there’s a huge, nasty chained-up dog barking at you, quietly turn around and leave.

We all keep shouting equal rights but I am not sure if we all know what that means. It means feeling equal in your heart. It means standing up and giving your seat in the bus or train to that old man, or pregnant woman. It means knowing yourself, understanding your individuality and having the self-respect to stand up for it. It means having the said self-respect. It means to start living it, simple, and not ask for it. No “man” worth his salt will let you walk all over him; then why would you, why should you? You do because you have been brought up that way. To feel physically, mentally, emotionally inferior. And it’s only in you to change that. Wake up and start walking, even if it’s small steps initially, towards being self-sufficient, towards being an independent human-being and not just a woman, the female, child-bearing specimen of the species.

Of course it is difficult, impossible (or so it seems) for many of us. It’s not easy if you’ve lived your entire life till now being led. Start living it, slowly. Start getting conscious about it. Tell yourself, what would your father, or brother, or Salman Khan (in his capacity of simply being a man) do in a particular situation, and then act accordingly. It’s a very simple and time-tested strategy; one that has worked. Start acting like what you wish to be, and you will become that. You wish to become a smart, successful business person? Start acting like one, starting with how you look, and walk and talk. Adopt a successful business person’s habits and soon you will be doing most things that they do and you will get that much closer to success. Same goes for if you simply wish to live freely in this society, like a man does. Observe and understand how they behave, and try and become that. No, not pee standing up. When I say act and be a man, I do not mean that gender- or character- wise. I mean feeling how they feel. Independent, not-scared, feeling truly free and fearless. Free of all the emotional hassles of being a woman, of all the constraints that come along with having a pair of breasts and a vagina, of all the misgivings and apprehensions. For once, step out of the house, spread out your arms and breath-in deeply, like a man does.

What is that one thing that makes a man, a man? A pair of balls! So girls, go get a pair. And you know I do not mean sacks of wrinkled flesh hanging to you anatomically; even a donkey has those (with all due respect to the ever-gentle and very hard-working donkeys). I mean “real” balls, guts. The beautiful hindi words, Saahas and Dhairya, ‘Courage’ and ‘Patience’, what make a brave you. It takes balls to stand up for yourself, and what you believe in. It takes balls to live equally and not demand equal rights. It takes balls to stand up to mom and dad, to “bhaiya”, and to the ever-at-your-back society and say that stop, I need to do this, and then just go ahead and do it. And if there is a dog or two that comes barking at you, it takes balls to stand firm and bark back. Do that, bark back, roar aloud if you will. It will scare that lecherous a-hole coming at you in the dark alley, or the lonely road. Empower yourself with anger and learn to get pissed off. Load yourself not just with a pepper spray or a steel fist, but also a temper, an attitude that will warn and ward off any that comes at you thinking you can be played with.

It’s time to take a stand girls, a firm stand. Forget all what mom and dad taught you about being a nice girl, always polite, shying away from “danger” and “trouble”. Toughen up, go out, bindas, and rule the world (or at least work on developing that attitude). Equality is your right, just as breathing, or going out and living free; you don’t ask for it, you just do it, live it, naturally. And if it’s not being given to you, it is you who needs to go and snatch it. You don’t need permission for that. You just need to wake up, stand up, and go get a pair…

How to be a Good Manager.

Step 1: Manage your(own)self first…Try Meditation

Look at yourself. Have you looked at yourself before? Not in the mirror. But look at yourself from other people’s eyes. Get conscious about how you carry yourself, notice how you are with people, how you act, how you react. Whether you react a lot.

Many don’t realise this, but being a good manager requires a heightened sense of awareness; being in the moment and being acutely aware of everything that is going on around. A spiritual bent of mind might even help. Meditation has nothing to do with religion or “spirituality”…the way people have started stereotyping it now. It is an exercise for mental health; a very good one. People who meditate regularly (with no agenda, but just to relax and find inner peace) are known to more mentally stable, balanced, at peace, and hence, better decision makers. Regular meditators can, and do, handle a crisis situation well. Think of this way, a person that wants six-pack abs will hit the gym regularly and work-out accordingly. In the same way, to keep our mind calm and healthy and happy, we do work-out of the mind; breath, relax, and focus, and breath, relax, and focus; that’s meditation. It can cause a great and positive change/shift in your being at a very personal level affecting you at a professional level.

A positive change/shift at a personal level helps you acquire these basic skills that are imperative for any good manager:

• Being sensitive to your environment and to the needs of your team and your bosses will keep everyone happy, including yourself.
• Being empathetic will help you better understand client requirements and also the needs of those inside the office; making you popular and the go-to person when someone needs help.
• Being patient and relaxed at all times will help you better able to “handle” that troublesome team member, and provide him/her a truly constructive feedback and maybe even help them modify their attitude/behaviour or guide then to enhance their skill-set, work on whatever may be causing problems in the first place.
• Being better at relationship management will help you manage your relationships inside and out of the workplace. It can end in nothing but an increased happiness level, for you and those around you.
• Being a good listener will help you understand your team’s and your client’s needs and work out best solutions for all as listening well enables you understand a situation that much better.

Step 2: Work on those organisation skills

Being a good manager, it is imperative that you organise things well. If there is chaos around you, there will be chaos in your team, in your team’s work and soon there will be lots of fires and red-flags all around. That is no way to live.

Being organised is very simple; start small.

For example, if you have some 15 accounts or projects, and they are all over the place and clients mails are flooding your inbox (if you meditate, that would not unnerve you), take a deep breath and relax.

Prioritise !!!

Pick up the one that needs your immediate attention. Are you familiar with everything that is going on in that project? What was the last communication that happened with the client and your team? Look for that email, and pick up the threads form there..

And that is what it is…organising. It’s like untying a (seemingly) complicated knot. You pick up a thread, be and remain patient, and start with that. Unloop it, pick up the next, unloop it, then the next…and then you move on to the next knot.

A journey of a thousand steps, starts with the first one. Whoever said that was a deep-thinking genius.

Get organised. Clean that desktop. Clear the clutter off your table. (Do not pay attention to that silly article floating around FB that says people that clutter are creative.) Clear the clutter from your room; your living and your work space. Anything you haven’t used for the past six months to a year, throw it out, or better still, donate it. Practise minimalism. Less is simpler.

• Keep reminders in your calendar
• Follow-up regularly with your team and your clients
• Keep intermittent deadlines and a check on deliverables on a daily basis, or even twice a day taking care you are not disturbing your team that is immersed in work
• Clear the clutter of useless meetings; save everyone’s time
• Keep excel sheets for various tasks and teams and projects that provide you a visual status of what all is going on a daily basis

Step 3: Manage time well

Time is a very, very precious commodity. We don’t have a lot of it; we need to use it very carefully.

I see so many people, so many competent people all around me, working like crazy, working long hours, working weekends, no time for self or family. That eventually leads to no time for self-improvement or any skill-enhancement, and a lot of dissatisfaction in both professional and personal lives.

Like any wise person will tell you; working hard is good, but working smart is better. (Working hardly is best…hahaha…just kidding.)

Learn to scope time. It is very important that you know exactly how long what task takes; how long will it take you, and each of your team members. And then, be honest. Be honest about it to yourself, most of all to your clients, and to your team members. Giving someone who just joined your team and is learning the ropes 1.5 hrs for something you know should take 2 is not right; even if your experienced team members take 1 hr. Remember, experienced team members have been doing it for much longer. New people will take some time just to get their bearings correct in the new environment. Be patient with them and give them that time. Patience, understanding, and good guidance at this time will go a long, long way for them, for you, and the team.

Back to managing time well, do not overload your desk/calendar with work in a hurry to keep and get more clients. Remember, a client will form a long-term, healthy, and hence well-paying-for-long-in-the-future relationship if they see that you have given them quality work showing 100% dedication. With enough time devoted to each client, you will not only do the work well, you will be in a position to provide them with effective solutions, even if they mean less money for you. Nothing will win over clients more than the fact that you care about the well-being of their business more than the money you make for yourself. This, in turn, will help you attract more clients, and hence, more money.

Gauge how long each task will take to do it well, and add on a little extra time as buffer for any unforeseen risks etc., and then be honest with your client, explaining to them what all you can provide them for that time. Any client who knows what they want and want effective business solutions that really work will listen to you, to logic. A client who is in a hurry means they themselves, yet, do not have clarity of their exact requirement. It will mean harassment for you now, and in the future. Help them if you can, if not, it’s best to let such clients go. Or take them and give them to those of your team members that are benched currently so they can practice and hone their skills.

Remember, as a manager, you are responsible for the overall good health of your team; managing your, and their time well directly impacts that.

Plan and scope well, and respect yours’ and your team members’ personal time and space.

Step 4: Lead by example

That is a cliché, I agree, but a lot of people confuse leading with controlling. Keep in mind that what you need to take control of is the situation, not the people. It’s never a good idea to try and “control” people that report to you. Good, intelligent professional people should not need any controlling. If they need controlling, it means they are not able to work independently; that is never a good thing. A good manager sometimes needs to act like a good parent. Be there to guide and support, and oversee, and then just see how it goes. Show your team how it is done, and then be there for them, encouraging them and motivating them to work independently.

Your team members, if they like you, will copy you in every way, especially the way you work. So if you keep yourself well organised, plan ahead, and work effectively, so will they. Working well is a kind of culture that you develop in your work environment and people that join in become part of that culture and work accordingly.

Step 5: Practice positive communication / Provide healthy feedback

A good manager is always an effective communicator.

Provide continuous, constructive feedback to your team members. A good, constructive feedback is specific and focussed, and without any emotional outbursts or outpourings. There is no judgement, only a thorough analysis of performance; an analysis of what was required, and what was achieved, and gaps, if any. Be aware of reflexes, or certain behavioural “twitches” you may have. For example, if you do not like something at first glance, does your expression change? Control your expressions and focus on the work and not the person.

Being a good manager will not only help you in the workplace but also in your personal life and relationships.

Go ahead and take control of things, everything.

Good luck!!

#manager #management #goodmanager #goodmanagement #meditation #howto #howtobegoodmanager #work #working

~As originally posted on http://www.teerathyatra.com/

How to COPE when you lose your job, or something more valuable…

I was watching this movie ‘Up in the Air’; about this guy (played by George Clooney; dunno why women swoon over him, his eyes lack warmth, I feel) whose job is (also) to fire people in companies where they may not have such expertise. (Though, that’d be a redundant expense for a company if they are firing a whole bunch of people to cut costs.) It’s in the beginning of the movie that I thought of writing this article/post. The movie starts with different people’s reactions to when they are told that they are being “let go”. They all seem devastated. I feel that kind of a horrific feeling may come from working in that kind of an environment, America, where every bit of happiness in your life depends entirely on the kind of money you make, especially if you have children. Esp if you are depended on the benefits (medical, for example) that come only if you have a regular job. Of course losing a job is devastating anywhere on the globe (mostly), that kind of scary hopelessness is something else entirely I feel.

So, sometimes, there comes a moment in life, when suddenly everything just bursts around you, a loud bang, and then a sickening silence.

• You have been laid off
• You lost a fortune, maybe everything
• You are in a huge debt and no way of paying it back
• You lost someone dear
• Your spouse left

In that moment, right then, you are in shock, a huge shock. Of course it’s going to leave you baffled. Give yourself a few moments. What do you now?

Step 1 – Breath deep and keep calm

Take deep breaths. 1, 2, 3,… at least 10. Yep, right then and there. Just relax, straighten your back and take a deep breath in, and let it out.

You will be surprised how most of us just forget correct breathing during these very crucial movements. Doesn’t matter if you are sitting across the manager that just fired you; or the person that just said that they are leaving you. Take a moment and start breathing deep. Deep breathing (belly-full) greatly relaxes your system and your mind. Once that happens the chances of you getting a panic attack and going into a hyper state of xxxx lessens great deal. This will help you become more conscious and aware of the situation, post which you may be in a better position to “handle” yourself right then and not lose-it. Don’t make a scene, smile and say thank you, and extricate yourself calmly from the situation, after ensuring that you have understood everything that you need to understand to move forward from there. And keep telling yourself that–there is a way forward from there. You may not see right then; but keep faith. It is there.

Step 2 – Conversations with Self

Talk to yourself. Conversing with self is a great way of reaching greater, deeper understandings and realisations; about yourself, and the world around you. Ask yourself questions and write down your answers, even confusions, or even an ‘IDK’. (Yep I know IDK; I have a teenager daughter.) In the beginning, just tell yourself to calm down and think. Think good thoughts. Think positive. And, listen to yourself.

Ask yourself:

• What all do I have around me that is positive?
• Is there anything I can do to help myself now? If yes, note it down.
• Was there any role that you played in getting you here? Think about it. Think about if there is anything you can, or would like to, modify or change in your attitude, thinking, behavior.

Tell yourself:

• This is not the end.
• This is a temporary situation, however shitty you may be feeling right now.
• Like everything else, this too shall pass. And, it will.

Step 3 – Start exercising, if you are not already

If you have lost a job, or a spouse, you may have some time for yourself. Use it on yourself, for yourself. Taking good care of yourself is the best thing you can do for you. Create a do-able, good workout routine that suits your body type and current stamina levels, and start exercising regularly, preferably everyday. Start with something simpler if your body is not used to exercising, but start definitely. You will be creating a healthier, much happier future for yourself.

Try and incorporate yoga and meditation in your workout routine. It’s good for your overall system–body, mind, soul–and go a long way in bringing about lasting sense of peace and contentment.

People who exercise regularly are happier, healthier people and are able to cope a lot better than those who do not exercise regularly.

Step 4 – Your favorite things to do

Do you have any hobbies? Something you used to do all the time but gradually lost touch with what with the job, or life in general? Pick it up again. Listen to good music and spend time creating or doing something that relaxes you, makes you happy–cooking, painting, traveling (you can travel cheap), taking pictures, reading, making things, anything.

Make a habit of using only positive words in your daily conversations/life. For example, do not say, “I hate…”, rather, say, “I don’t really like…”. Never use negative words to describe yourself–I am ugly, I am not worthy…

Start reading motivational books and material if that helps. There are a zillion tips and tricks that you can use immediately in those books.

Listen to good books and read good stuff. If you stay positive and happy, and engage in things you love doing, something positive and good will turn up, sooner than you think.

Good luck!

~As originally published on www.teerathyatra.com

Know Yourself !!

Who am I? It is one of the commonest questions for anyone on their initial stages of any sort of a spiritual quest. Know yourself, say most gurus.

My nani spent a relatively happy life without any iota of knowledge of anything except what she needed to know about her home, how to manage it, her husband, her kids, her immediate environment; as did/do many of us, who find a content role to play and we play it with full conviction till it’s time to shed this skin and go on to yet another adventure. For some of us, knowing ourselves, or anything else much isn’t really important, as long as we have enough to go by, we make do. That is a good thing, I feel. Giving in to desires, dreams, aspirations, that keep changing with the ever-changing seasons rarely does anyone any good. Sometimes, like the sweet Buddha, it is good to, not give in; controlling one’s desires in one way to live a fairly simple, uncomplicated life. Either the blissfully ignorant, or the enlightened walk this path of contentment. Irrespective of whether you know anything about your self, your purpose, this life…you just go on, and on, taking each day as it comes, welcoming it with open arms and a warm smile. The rest…we struggle. We strive, we plan, we create agendas, goals, aspirations, we do sadhnas, or work hard/smart and succeed, or not; some just…chill.

Why do you want to change?

It started with this discussion with a dear friend, about why it is important to let things be sometimes, just as they are. The importance of going with the flow. The discussion started with the question, or issue, of changing oneself, one’s repetitive patterns, which one may find annoying about themselves, or harmful, or downright destructive. The friend has been trying to modify certain behavioral patterns for sometime but seems to reach nowhere. I suggested that if she has tried and tried, then maybe it’s a good idea to stop trying and let it be. To not force anything upon anything that maybe your natural design, which you may see as a flaw. Forcing a change on to who you are fundamentally could prove to be bad; unless the change happens on its own, with time, or through certain significant events. So if there is something that you may not appreciate about yourself, and you have tried changing it, but nothing happens, then just accept it. Take a deep breath and work with that; see where that takes you.

This little write-up is for the argument; why it is good to know yourself. I am not going too deep here; no existential questions answered here. Like, am I a soul, what about other dimensions, what about…ahem…God. It’s more shallow, much like myself, related to this world, this physical domain, very material Earth. Knowing ourselves, as we are, in the current life’s form, this human body. Like, in this life, I am Jagdeep Kaur, and I know my parents (it’s ok if you do not, just an example), I have this home, I had a fairly ok childhood, no major traumas, an ok enough life. Yes, this life, this person, this personality I got born into, this specific small life. Small happinesses count, very much, so start with what you have. What you have, is this body, this life, your life, your immediate environment. Start small. If you are just starting out and wondering where to go.

Do you really know yourself?

And now the priceless question. Do you know yourself? At least your physical, Earth dimension existing self? You may feel you do, but a lot of times we prove ourselves very wrong, time and again, in this area. We are too full of ourselves; this idea of what we wish to be, and think that we are it, but in reality we may not be it. Like someone might think that they are a nice and kind person, but they have never observed their own behavior when it comes to paying the rickshaw guy, squabbling over 5 rupees. Some think that they are an out-and-out people’s person, great conversationalists, but rarely say hello to their kaamwali or ask how she is, or even know what their kids do in their spare time. Yes, I am talking about accepting truths about our own self. And sometimes, well, most times, observing those around us, how they react to us, what they say about us, is the best way to know, judge ourselves. Instead of saying, well, I am a nice person, ask those around you, what they think. Or if you are intuitive enough, you will be able to gauge what they exactly feel about you. Well, if you are intuitive enough, you would be closer to the truth. Or, big Or, start observing yourself, be aware, analyse your actions; like, if you are all nice and polite in front of your mom-in-law, are you that way in front of the maid too? If not, then overall maybe you are not a nice and polite person. If you are aggressive and speak-your-mind types with your colleagues, but not so much in front of your boss, then maybe overall you are not the aggressive and speak-your-mind types. You may think that you have a large-ish paraphernalia, but have you seen other people’s junk? Where do you stand compared to that? (Asking for feedback here may not get you correct answers because most times people are polite when asked direct questions of such nature. So, observe and analyse.)

Accept yourself, all your weird quirks, just as you are.

And when you do see a certain type of a truth emerging about yourself, are you comfortable with it? Or does that disturb your balance, your mental peace? And if you are not comfortable with it, then what is it that makes you uncomfortable? Maybe you wish to conform to a certain societal standard, maybe a stereotype, and you do not wish to fall short.

If you are just beginning, to try and understand yourself, first up, let go of all your revered standards, of you how you “should” be. Be comfortable with just what you, or how, you are, irrespective of whether someone else may appreciate that about you. You appreciate it about yourself; ACKNOWLEDGE and ACCEPT. It helps, a lot, if you have around you people who accept you just as you are. If there is someone, in your immediate vicinity, who snaps, or snarls, or even looks in a certain seemingly negative way, or tone, when you are just being yourself–how much ever silly, or clumsy, or downright stupid, which happens with me a lot cos of my very short attention span and very limited knowledge base–it may be harming your ability to accept yourself, just the way you are, very much so. Surround yourself with people, or friends, that are fine with you being your silly, weird self. If there aren’t any, then just be with yourself, and love yourself, and be nice to yourself.

Start with that, and spend some time, some months in that nice knowledge of how ok you are, just fine, and then see where that takes you. Then we will talk about next steps. Good luck!!

~As originally published on http://www.teerathyatra.com/

To Do or not To Do

I have a theory. If you drop all inhibitions and have sex in the initial meetings, it paves a way for a stronger, healthier relationship later. It would also be a relationship based on honesty and openness; two of the few strong pillars on which the relationship stands. This theory has come about as a result of a conclusion based on observing various couples at play, around. Now-a-days, thankfully, people are a bit more relaxed about sex, and here in India too people don’t think much about it today. But there are still some out there, who just wouldn’t let go. Now I am not encouraging or forcing anyone to do anything. Sex is complicated, especially if you really like someone. You do want to tread carefully. Think over each little step forward, or back, if that is what needs to be done. It’s a very personal choice; make it at your own discretion. This article is for those few who have grown up thinking that sex is a huge deal and can happen only after having spent an x amount of time or experiences with someone. Sex is a huge deal, of course; but things have altered a bit now. In today’s day and age, a fast paced life, it helps to not be too rigid in our thinking about anything, most of all sex.

Consider a regular Joe and Jane. At a conscious or subconscious level, Joe wants to get laid. Jane wants flowers, sweet nothings, promises…the list goes on. The two start dating, first unofficially, then officially. Mostly because Joe wants Jane to get comfortable, like him enough, to “open up”. Trust me Joe, you do. Of course Joe may want the sweet frills of being in a relationship too, but sex is a strong underlying current, which Joe may or may not be consciously aware about; it can make or break things for him. So Joe and Jane are dating; they become a “thing”. They introduce themselves to their respective friends. When they do end up doing it, it may be great, or not. At that point things have gone ahead a bit, for both of them, they like each other enough, they have become used to each other, they enjoy being in a relationship, it could be anything. But if the sex is not that great, it would eventually start gnawing on the innards of that relationship. Disagreements and fights will ensue. And by the time the break-up happens, a good amount of time would’ve been wasted, for both of them. If they stick it, with all their might, it could end up being a sad, bitter life, full of disharmony.

So, just to be sure, go ahead and do it. If they don’t call back, after that first encounter, well, good riddance. You had a good, fun evening and are an experience richer. And if they do call back and want to see you again, then you know it’s for genuine reasons.

~As originally posted on http://www.teerathyatra.com/

Perfect Partner

A perfect (life) partner, is wishful thinking. It’s something that may exist in an ideal world. We don’t live in an ideal world, sadly. We desperately keep trying to create idealistic environment(s) around ourselves to make ourselves (temporarily) happy, yet, every now-and-then, cribbing, complaining, whining, getting angry. At people, situations, around us, him, her, this, that. All the while not realising that ideality comes from within us. Our environment, what we wish to create, has to radiate out, from within us. The same goes for having a “perfect” partner. Are we perfect ourselves, or at least trying to be?

First, define, what exactly is your idea of a perfect partner, for you, to cater to your needs. Some may like complete independence; I don’t interfere in your shit, you don’t interfere in mine. Some appreciate 100% trust and honesty. Some prefer some things hidden from them. Some may even appreciate a bit of jealousy emanating from their respective partners, every now-and-then; though it may not be healthy. Define your ideal partner, qualities you may like in a person who is around you almost all the time. Do you want them around almost all the time? Would they appreciate if you share this thought with them, that you may not want them around almost all the time? Draw out a list.

Then, see if you are like that. Like, if you like honesty in your partner, are you, yourself completely honest? If you want space from your partner, do you also give space in return? If you like to go about galavanting with your friends every now-and-then, maybe even for weekends, would you be ok if your partner does that too? “Ideally”, things you indulge in, you should be ok if your partner indulges in them too…or indulges in their own kinda things. We all have our little quirks; are you tolerant of the quirks of your (current/prospective) partner? If you expect your partner to make certain adjustments, in themselves, their behaviour, their lifestyle, for you; are you willing too to make certain adjustments for them?

For me, I love being single. Actually, I have almost always been single. Having never had the good fortune of having a loving, caring (romantically involved) person in my life, I never really got used to living with someone like that. Though I have had relationships, but they rarely involved me actually sharing living space with someone. So, for me, an ideal life partner is someone who can let me be single. Hold your horses now. The first thought that may come to most people’s mind is going crazy and sleeping around; loads of casual sex. Hell, even single people don’t really do that you know…at least not those who are mentally, emotionally, spiritually healthy and stable, not “loads”. Well, ok, sometimes. But you get my point. See, sex, ideally, should not be a priority when it comes to life partners. Though it comes pretty close as sexual satisfaction is pretty damn important for general happiness and wellbeing for most of us. On a slightly different note, why harass your husband/boyfriend for something your vibrator can do, maybe even better. Kidding…that’s just the ever-single-life-loving me talking.

What’s really important, or even more important, is companionship. Are the two of you good together outside the bedroom? Do you guys make a good team? Do you genuinely bring a smile to the other’s face, often? That can happen, if you let the other be single, or, just be themselves.

What I mean by let me be single, in a relationship, is that let me have a happy, independent life of mine own. My own little space; some me-time all to myself, sometimes; me taking solo trips, if I so wish; you know, general stuff. Of course, through it all, complete transparency is imperative. There should be no secrets, no hiding anything. It is important because I have seen people cribbing about wanting to do something, go somewhere, meet someone, but they just can’t because their partner/spouse doesn’t feel good about it. That’s the worst thing ever. Don’t stop someone from doing something that will make them happy, if you love them, esp if you love them. Don’t impose your thoughts or opinions on those around you, esp those that share your life, every single day. So be careful. Are you, maybe, doing that? Telling her not to go here/there; telling him not to see him/her; stop this; start that; why don’t you…

Stop, and think. Take a deep breath, relax, and stop, and think. Are you doing that? Are you stopping short of being a perfect, ideal partner yourself? Be constantly aware, keep correcting yourself, and what’s ideal for you, would, hopefully, fall in your lap, soon. 🙂

~As originally posted on http://www.teerathyatra.com/

Looking for life purpose?

For some, who are actively looking for a life purpose, the only place to start is within. Looking around, asking others, may not help; with all due respect your guru may not be able to help much either. Your guru may be able to guide you within; but the journey is yours, and yours alone.

It comes very easily to some people, some very few people. They develop amazing talents, or things that they are very passionate about early on in life; they have a clarity of purpose from a very young age. Some have it, and then lose it; like your truly. That’s perfectly alright. Some find it traveling. Some finding it sitting, ruminating. Some, when they are way past 40, or 50, or even 60. Doesn’t really matter. With life purpose, it’s like that Hindi proverb, ‘Jab jago, tab savera’, which means, when you wake up, it’s morning.

One way, to understand your life purpose, is to look at your life; introspect. How have you been living your life…or it’s your life that has been living you. Has there been a set pattern? Is there a particular kind of people you keep ending up around, or certain situations or circumstances you find yourself often in. Like, for example, throughout my life, I have met many angry people, it’s because I know I have anger issues; or have had. And that is one thing I need to (or needed to) work upon. I would know for sure once I get an opportunity to get adequately angry. So if there is a particular kind of people you keep meeting, or, there is a kind of set role you keep playing, in your own life, in other people’s life, then that is what you came to this life for. For example, if you end of being a doormat, for everyone you meet, you need to work on your esteem. At the same time, your role in life could be, to silently, and lovingly provide support. You could keep doing that, but ensuring that no one takes you for granted, or takes you for a ride, once you’ve worked on that self-esteem issue. If you find yourself solving other people’s problems, well, then that is your calling. If you love too cook for everyone…so on, and so forth.

So, see, and think, and consider. Take a deep breath, relax, and then, see, and think, and consider.

Always being “busy” is not going to help. “Oh, I don’t have time.” Well, then, stop cribbing, and focus on your work, and don’t think about things that you won’t do, or can’t do, at least not right now. But one good way to hone your skills, understand your life purpose, and generally understand life, and what role you play in it, is to take out time for yourself, do just what you want to do; even if it is one hour each day, early morning, or evening. Or maybe a week or two every few months. At least, make a start.

And, pray. It helps.

~As originally posted on http://www.teerathyatra.com/

Not lucky (in love), yet living happy ever after…

First, this write-up does not discourage people from being in a relationship, or encourage single living. What is encouraged is realising whether you are in a “healthy” relationship or if it’s eroding you from the inside. If it is killing you slowly, then yes, moving away from it is encouraged and single life recommended.

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Sorry my loved ones. My days normally tend to start in the evenings, so my “Valentine’s Day” starts now. 🙂 I remember the first time I had heard about Valentine’s Day; I was in grade 9. A friend called up and wish me a Happy Valentine’s Day; and I had asked what is it.

Love, is something that has intrigued me, since my early teens (not anymore though, it doesn’t “intrigue” me anymore). As a teenager, I did not really believe in it, and quite made fun of those around claiming to be a pair. I remember boasting that I am never going to marry, as a child, as a teenager, which, some my aunts used to make fun of; all girls say that…heeheehee. And even as a child, I always had a doll, not a girly doll, but a baby doll that I used to pretend to be a mommy of. Funny, how it all turned out. 🙂 I remember strongly arguing with a friend of mine once, in my first job in my early 20s, how a dad is not really required (the friend was arguing that a child needs both the parents for a healthy growth). My point being that what any child requires, growing up, is complete love and support and it doesn’t really matter where it comes from. Of course, it’s great if both the parents are there, together, happily together, but it’s not imperative for a healthy growth.

Just what I feel about being in a relationship. Notice that I have not used the word love. A lot of times we tend to equate romantic love with love. We need love to live well, not necessarily romantic love, or being in a relationship with someone. Of course, it will be great if there is someone, someone to love, someone to share stuff with, someone to care about, someone that cares back; but it is not imperative. It is a bonus, like being born a gazillionaire, but it’s ok if we do not have a lot of money; we can be live happily ever after without that too.

Look around you, look a little beyond your immediate circle of good friends. Look at life, people, in general. Couples fight, couples bicker, couples are miserable. A lot of couples get together for many not-right reasons. For me, the only reason to be together with someone is if you love them, no other reason suffices. The most common being, ‘I don’t wanna be alone’, or, ‘I am lonely’. That is one of the worst reasons to get married, or be in a relationship with someone, for my loves, it is a selfish reason, and in love, it is never a good thing to be selfish. That is where, or how, the misery starts, then fights. We start with selfish reasons and then we go on being selfish, until there is no ‘us’ left, but just a ‘you’ and ‘me’. Remember, there is never a separate you or me in love, in a loving relationship; there is always ‘us’, one single unit.

Learn to live alone; learn to stay alone and stay happy, then go out and go ahead and find someone who is also happy being with their own selves. Two grown-up, fully mature people come together and create a mature, loving, healthy love relationship. Have you seen people totally in love and togetherness; how they rarely fight (no, fighting is not a part of being in a relationship; get over it)? Not only do they rarely fight, they are good, complete, wholesome, successful individuals within themselves, by themselves. Because not only they are mature, happy people who tend to make the right decisions and live good, happy lives; their partners (if they have one) adds value to their lives, and vice versa, thus both adding positively to each other’s lives and well-being. Of course, that is an ideal situation, a little fight does happen, among everyone, that is natural. But if you are fighting quite regularly, something is wrong, get away, take time out, take stock of the situation. Your love partner adds on to your life, good things. When you think of them, you should have a small on your face, a loving, sweet smile, not a frown, or worry lines on your forehead.

I have rarely seen such couples; there aren’t many around me. Couples that actually, complete each other. I feel that it is rare, and very lucky, for someone to find true (romantic) love, a love that makes you truly blossom, and makes you a better person. Like I said, it is rare, and very lucky, to be born a gazillionaire, or find a huge fortune and live a life of crazy luxury, not caring one bit about the environment. But that does not make the rest of us, the non-rich folk, from living a good, happy, peaceful, content, satisfied life. The same with love; we are lucky, we will find it, but don’t let that be the pinnacle of a happy life for you.

Learn to live, happily ever after, with yourself, first. Whatever else needs to come, will come. Let’s make this world better, one happy person at a time. 🙂

~As posted originally on http://www.teerathyatra.com/

About Anger

My dear friend, Mukta, and I, we talk a lot…we love to talk, and discuss, and sometimes argue, in a…controlled, very grown-up fashion. Now some may just feel that we are so full of just hot air, it’s ok, go ahead, make mazaak, make mucho mazaak, and once you’ve had a belly-full of laugh, take a deep breath, and read on.

My dear friend, Mukta, and I, of late have been talking a lot about Anger. We’ve both had anger issue; I..ahem…not so much…ahem…of course. And I tend to attract people, in my life, with anger issues. It means I need to deal with such issues within myself first…which of course I never get to, cos’ I honestly believe that I am perfect. Oh well…

So, my dear friend, Mukta, and I, we were talking, and thinking about Anger…where does it emanate from? What generates it? What gives it shape? What color it may be? Does it have a smell? What makes it erupt in a person, like a volcano, scorching everything in its blast radius. People get affected deeply by anger; the one that is angry, and the ones that are in the blast range of the bursting, raging, anger.

First up, let’s chalk out, erase, the reasons related to health, physical or mental, that may cause anger. Certain diseases, or mental imbalances. That is (more/somewhat) understandable. We will not discuss those here. Then there are some good, very valid reasons of getting angry; for example, someone slaps me real hard, for no reason, or call my mother names, for which there is never a good reason. It’s completely uncalled for. It had happened to me once. I got slapped. I had recently made friends with this person, who was friends with no one in class, in college; I think it was 2nd year. So this one time, we were sitting on the bus stand, waiting for the bus, and I noticed that she looked upset. I asked her what was wrong, she didn’t say anything, but just looked away. I asked her a couple of times more, and then suddenly, she turned towards me, and slapped me real hard, without uttering a word. That didn’t make me angry though; I was shocked, at first, I then felt very hurt. I never spoke to her again. She remained friendless for the entire time she was in college, at least in college, from what I could see.

A lot of times anger is genetical, or in the spiritual sense, baggage of the lineage. Many angry people have angry backgrounds, or backgrounds that make ripe grounds for anger and such related emotions to form and erupt. Fear is a reigning ingredient. It could be anything, fear of rejection (by the society or an individual), fear of falling short of expectations, fear of being found-out who one really is…sometimes, well, most-times it is not just one fear. As is the case with fears, they brings along to the party, a rather large entourage. A lot of fears get together to form a conglomerate of dense anger. Fear of not being in control (of a situation, or person) makes many people very angry. And sometimes it’s just a technique to keep things in control. I know someone who loses it like it’s no one’s business, and snaps, and shouts, and scares people. People listen to him. I don’t know if they respect him, or love him, maybe they do; but I know for sure that they fear him, and then behave. He gets things done, each time, every time. I tried talking to that person about it, and very calmly he explained that he does it purely to stay…well…above everyone. And to my surprise, it worked, it works. I am really nice to people, polite, sweet…but a lot times I am not able to get things done; to get some work done in offices, for example, or in shops if I feel I had been cheated and I wish to return something. But him, he walks in, and people…straighten up, and seem so ready to serve him. He’s got this violent, aggressive, ‘I-am-your-daddy-and-I-own-you-bitch’ aura that I so admire.

Sometimes, anger exuberates authority. Many fathers I know are like that. Who use anger to stay in complete control. Instilling fear in the subjects becomes a way to establish authoritarian rule. Kids run away from such fathers, listen to them, shiver when the mother threatens to tell on them. Which, I don’t think is a good thing at all. A father, I believe, should be loving and supportive, and a child should never fear to approach a father, for anything.

Or, many a times, it’s a response to shattered expectations, a broken heart maybe (another form of shattered expectations). You broke my heart, I am going to break everyone else’s; I am going to break this world. And thus a life is spent in bitter anger and sometimes hate. Or a broken arm, or leg, a broken, hurt ego most of all. That could leave one very angry.

It’s important to understand where the anger is coming from, and it’s very important to objectify it, and then place it correctly. If need be, take it out, on whom you need to take it out, sparing others around you, who don’t deserve it, sparing your own, precious self. Anger is an intense, dense, rotting emotion. If you allow it to rule you, it’d rule you life, your relationships, and most of all, your mental, physical, and spiritual health. It could affect your next life too if you believe in one. Don’t let it.

Understand the alchemy of your anger, and you will be better able to control it, and steer it in the right direction.

~As originally posted on http://www.teerathyatra.com/